Opinion: Goosebumps Cliffhangers Are Starting to Make Me Angry

Written By Monteray Pumpernickle

So, there I am. Reading my umpteenth G-Bumps book. It’s rocking my haunted world. Then, oh FRICK, an exciting cliffhanger! I’m on the edge of my seat, literally almost slipping off the front of it — I turn the page!

And, oh. There was no monster. It was just her dumb friend putting her hand on her dumb shoulder. I THROW the book across the room — and instantly regret doing that. In a panic, I go retrieve it. Oh, thank goodness, it’s still a fully functional book. I apologize to it, tell it I’ll give it one more chance. Surely it won’t disappoint me again, right?

Wrong! Cliffhanger: there’s a werewolf. Payoff: It was a dog. I HEAVE the book against the desk and smash it with my fist! How many times must I teach it this lesson? WHEN will the monsters come and tear apart these idiot kids? I simply cannot take any more disappointment, so I tell the book it’s over. I throw it out the window, out into the cool, crispy fall air. Yes, air can be crispy, shut up.

Anyway, I’ve had it with these mutha fricking cliffhangers in these mutha fricking books. Ugh. Gertrude would be proud. She’s been telling me to read things like The Great Gatsby and Pride and Prejudice. I told her there was no way I’d do that when I could be reading The Cuckoo Clock of Doom and The Beast from the East. But now . . . I’m not so sure. Maybe . . . maybe I’ll listen to her.

Nope, scratch that, I’m giving this book another chance. Next cliffhanger won’t disappoint me. It won’t. I’m sure of it!

The Honker (Scarborough School Paper)